Never Brush Your Teeth
with Your Eyes Closed

Never Brush Your Teeth with Your Eyes Closed tells the hilarious story of when my Uncle Ed started his day with a hangover.

By Michael R Dougherty

Uncle Ed was starting his day with a hangover headache.

As he slowly made his way to the bathroom sink to brush his teeth, he kept his eyes nearly closed.

Once safely over the sink, he closed his eyes all the way to avoid the harsh glare of the bathroom lights and began fumbling around with his hands to find his tooth brush and toothpaste.

Somehow he managed to find a tube.

Uncle Ed unscrewed the cap to his toothpaste and without giving it much thought, squeezed out a blob onto his tooth brush and with his eyes still tightly shut, began vigorously brushing his teeth.

Seconds later a horrible taste filled his mouth.

Uncle Ed's blurry eyes shot wide open as he gagged and began trying to spew the awful taste out of his mouth.

But the taste wasn't going away easily.

He continued to gag and spew as he quickly filled a water glass to rinse out his mouth.

But what was that horrid, awful taste? What was wrong with his toothpaste?

Uncle Ed looked down at the tube in front of him, rubbed his still blurry eyes and looked closer.

"You've got to be kidding me" shouted Uncle Ed. There in front of him, on the sink was the tube he had just used to brush his teeth.

It wasn't toothpaste at all.

Instead, with his eyes closed, Uncle Ed had picked up a tube, but it was a tube of Preparation H, which is of course an ointment that's used to shrink hemorrhoids. Those painful bumps that we humans sometimes get on our back sides.

Now Uncle Ed had a hangover headache and a mouth full of the disgusting flavor of hemorrhoid ointment. Not meant for oral consumption and definitely not a good way to start your day.


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